Lately, I’ve been asking myself a lot of important questions:

Why do donuts need to have calories? Who coined the phrase “On Fleek”, and what is their address so I can go fork their lawn? Why is ‘W’ called ‘double-u’ when it is two v’s put together? What is the meaning of life? Should I clean the Taco Bell wrappers out of my car? Why is it considered socially unacceptable to wear white after Labor Day? Giraffes? How is Donald Trump the current frontrunner for the next Republican Presidential Candidate?

I’ve sat and contemplated each of these, twiddled my thumbs and stared at the sky with an abject expression, while passersby most accurately described me as “appearing useless” or “making a stupid face”. I knew I could not find answers through thought alone, especially since, apparently, my thinking face is stupid. I had to do some research into my Big Questions:

1. Donuts have calories because Dark Lord Cthulhu deems it so.

2. “On Fleek” was coined by a 17-year-old Chicago teen named Kayla Newman after she’d gotten her eyebrows done – but I was unable to ascertain her home address in order to perform my petty tomfoolery. Probably for the best.

3. As for the W quandary: In Classical Latin, the /w/ sound was represented by the letter “v”, but through the years the language shifted, and the sound associated with the Latin “V” became a voiced bilabial fricative – like the “v” in “Vampire” (Twilight!). So think about it like this, do you ever pretend to speak in a Russian accent? Isn’t the first thing you do always replacing the “w” with the “v” sound? Dodgeball: think Dodgeball. Unibrow lady? Yeah she’s the one to look to, because that is what started to happen. At the same time, another sound was forming out of the /w/ sound, the /u/ sound. In order to distinguish the sound of /w/ from the /v/ sound, and the new fancy /u/, a double form of “u” was taken to represent the original Classical Latin “v” (which remember, actually sounds like /w/). This was written as ‘uu’. Now jump to 1300, the English language was evolving from Anglo-Saxon into Middle English, which is when Runes were replaced by Latin Letters. The ‘uu’ was used in writing, and instead of keeping it this way, the W was born as it was more clearly representative of its original lingual roots. Letters are fun, right?

4. I could not figure out what the meaning of life was. I just kept coming back to Taco Bell.

5. Which reminds me: I am going to clean the wrappers out of my car – tomorrow.

6. ¿Por qué no blanco después Labor Day? This odd rule surfaced in the late 1800’s, because a convocation of high class women wanted to ensure that their pre-existing wealth and affluence remain sacred even amidst the influx of “New Wealth”. Not wearing white after Labor Day was one of many rigid fashion rules, set in place to weed out those whom had just come into money and were slower on the uptake when it came to dressing for the season. Needless to say, it’s arbitrary. Wear white all year long, rock the hell out of it, just don’t eat anything even remotely colored because Murphy’s Law will be put into effect and that one day you wear white pants will be the day your mustard bottle decides to spontaneously combust, which will be directly followed by your car running out of gas, then a text from your ex, who dumped you for a cocktail waitress, asking “How you’re doing?”. Maybe no white, ever. Black is always a safe option. Beige is iffy (mustard appears equally as grotesque on beige).

7. Giraffes? Giraffes.

8. How is Donald Trump the frontrunner for the Republican Presidential Candidate? This is the one that seems to have me stumped (or, Trumped). Is it because his name is so much fun to say, and offers a wide variety of possible puns/musical word-plays? Right off the top of my head: Trumpin’ Jack Flash, Trump Around, Trump in the Line, Trump On It!, Trumpin’ Trumpin’, Trump Jive n’ Wail, Trump Da F*ck Up, White Men Can’t Trump. So much fun, right? But this is presidential elections, you know? This is Serious Business. I mean we are talking about the potential leader of the “best country in the whole damn world”. This is nothing to be taken with levity. We should all be cracking open our high school Government textbooks and going to town on those babies so that we can all possess educated, inoculated, knowledgeable opinions regarding this Serious Business. And while we’ve got those open, might as well hit those Econ 1 texties and delve into the nuances of economic structure, taxation policy, Inflation/Recession strategies, Imports/Exports, and, of course, Ben Bernanke. If those still don’t offer conclusive results, why not pull out an Intro to Psyche book, study the human brain a little, maybe behavior, nature vs. nurture, body language, and the benefits of playing Chess, in order to try and figure out why people seem to be following this man as though he is the reincarnation of Christ.

Some people just want to watch the world burn. With this man as president, here is how I picture America:

But okay, I’ll bite. I am sincerely curious as to how he’s made it this far, and even more so, curious to see how much further he’ll go.