So much rage. I can’t help it; it’s like I’m drenched in kerosene and about to light the hell up in a conflagration of anger. As I’ve previously mentioned, I’m fairly intolerant of other people’s ignorance (also, lactose), and it seems as though I’ve been sweeping up tidbits of ignorance all over the place lately. But now I’m staring at it all overflowing in the dustpan and am about to go nuclear. Time for a full-blown catastrophic assault, and in order to do this, I’m going to have to drop the F-bomb.

Feminism.

There is a startling misconception regarding this social movement, and when I say misconception, I really mean a layered cake of ignorance, coated in ignorant frosting, teeming with little ignorant candles that keep lighting my head on fire. The mere fact that half the people reading this article have already been put on the defensive by my mention of the F-word speaks volumes to the nature of this ignorance and the negative connotations therein. So allow me to clear things up, and keep clearing them up in case it didn’t work the first time, then maybe clear it up some more via interpretive dance, because if I see one more hateful post promoting #womenagainstfeminism, I am liable to pop an artery.

This is what I found on the internet today:

For those who believe Feminism is synonymous with man-hating, armpit-hair-growing sycophants who possess a deceptive relationship with reality, because women obviously run the world, duh – prepare to be eviscerated. These negative connotations and stereotypes are perpetuated by the media in order to caricaturize the whole movement. If you choose to take a social stance against Feminism, based on some click-bait or the speckled scenarios of spiteful women, without doing research into the actual nuances of what it’s promoting, what it stands for, and who it is trying to help, then you are not developing an informed opinion.

Feminism should not be viewed as a condemnation of gentlemanly-ness; you know, opening doors, paying for dinner, saying thank you after exceptional road dome – or whathaveyou. It is, however, a condemnation of the power sometimes associated with those acts, or more importantly, the power held by men in general. If you would like to rebuttle that this power is fictitious, and that women somehow control everything, please enjoy this nice photo of our United States Congress:

can you say sausage fest?

Feminism is defined as a movement to establish and achieve equal political, economic, cultural, personal, and social rights for women. We’ve been given a bad name by ignorant woman who throw their hatred around like its last season’s Prada, not to mention waste their energies carping on women who want to be stay-at-home moms and cook for their husbands.

Feel free to breathe a sigh of relief, because I’m a feminist and I can solemnly swear I do not give one solitary fragment of a fuck whether or not women want to cook a tasty Turducken or rear their young. I believe women should have equal rights and men should have equal rights and the guy who works in the cubicle next to me should have equal rights and the lady who made my breakfast burrito at Safeway this morning should have equal rights. I’m a humanist, but as a female, I’m going to start by advocating what I know – I know what it’s like to be a woman, and I can’t on a clear conscious say it’s 100% hunky dory.

Oh David Bowie – you glorious god of androgyny

I’m not here to bash on men – Ignorance remains the primary target of any and all bashing. Most of my best friends are wonderful, incredible, hilarious dudes – and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Hitherto, my exposure to Oprah or Kristen Whig-esque leading ladies has been minimal, but this is likely due to the fact that I hail from from a region heavily populated with skinny bobble-heads who believe their worth is inextricably tied to how many likes they can rack up on Instagram. Intellectual pursuit and development of depth remains tragically low on their priority list. But, hey, if that’s what makes you happy, then go nuts – it’s your human experience. Nobody has the right to control you, and real feminists are fighting for exactly that. The ascension of my rage occurs when these same white-privileged females keep splattering my news feed with posts of this nature:

Aggressive! First of all, the profanity! Must you use such fucking offensive language? Fuck – what’re you trying to prove? But in all seriousness, a movement that’s trying to lessen rape, achieve equal pay, obliterate sexual misconduct in the workplace, and gain some media representation for women apart from how much weight they’ve put on or how obnoxious their lip injections are, should in no way be ‘fucked’ because you like to cook for your Fiancé. I mean, how do we know you’re even a good cook?

Unfortunately, this Donna Reed wannabe is not even close to the worst I’ve seen.

Have I got something to say. Upon first seeing this, I was tempted to grant leniency in my verbal lashings because she looks to be about 14. But then I remembered that the average age of entry into forced sex slavery for over 300,000 females in the United States is 12-14, and decided to become the Mt. Vesevius to this girl’s Pompeii in the form of logical lava. Let’s address some of her well-researched points, while trying to ignore her charming all-capital bubbly handwriting.

Fem Doesn’t mean Equality

Well, darn, she sure does have me here. The Latin root word Fem means not a man. She is correct – it does not mean equality. But, hey, if she’s going to use facts of the vernacular in order to support her argument, I will go ahead and do the same thing. Here are a list of other things Fem does not mean: giraffes, nematodes, Tony Danza, rutabagas, Hitler, man-hating slut, saltine crackers, and, of course, smegma.

Logical Fallacy committed in her brilliant argument: Fallacy of Exsclusive Premises – a fallacy committed in a categorical syllogism that is invalid because both of its premises are negative. Aka two negative premises cannot give a logical foundation for a conclusion. In Example: No ears are toes. Some ears are not small. Therefore, some small things are not toes.

(That didn’t make a lick of sense.)

The Pay Gap Is Women’s Choice, Not Sexism

“Hey Gianna, do you want to make the same amount of money as Bob for doing the exact same thing?” “Nah, I’d prefer to take 78 cents for every dollar Bob makes. It’s chill. Bob is a hard worker and I’m a silly woman.” Ijkwrt89124598ger9g43ht3iuhiuoqr – sorry I was banging my head against my keyboard. This is almost too ignorant to even waste my time arguing and listing factual evidence against, but seeing as I must now provide the Burden of Proof against her kettle logic: On average women make 78 cents to every dollar earned by a man. They do not choose this. The common barriers to equal pay are lower pay for women in the same job as a man, the segregation of women into lower-paying jobs and exclusion of women from higher-paying positions, and bias against women with caregiving responsibilities.

Here’s some Supreme Court cases.

a) Dukes v. Walmart

In a class action lawsuit, 1.5 million women came forward claiming they had been discriminated against based on gender, which violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. They declared they had been overlooked for promotions due to their gender, and upon statistical research it was undisputedly evident that women working in the company’s stores are “paid less than men in every region” and “that the salary gap widens over time, even for men and women hired into the same jobs at the same time”. Wal-Mart defended this discrepancy was due to performance ratings below their male counterparts, but I’ll be the first to say that last time I entered a Wal-Mart, Joanna the door greeter was a slice of cherry pie compared to Ron the assistant manager who smelled like cigarettes and Fanta and couldn’t tell me where the Pop-Tarts were.

To rebuttle Wal-Mart’s performance defense, regression analyst expert, Richard Drogin, studied the controlled factors including job performance, length of time with the company, and the store where an employee worked. The results were sufficient to raise an “inference of discrimination.” In addition to discriminatory pay, senior management often referred to female associates as “little Janie Q’s”, and one manager told an employee that “men are here to make a career and women aren’t”. Which I suppose can be seen as an accurate statement considering the managerial staff is comprised of 70% men, and the higher up the company ladder you climb, the less and less women you’ll see. But yippee they filed a law suit, they made it to the Supreme court, they got noticed! We don’t need feminism because things are looking so good! Nope. Duke v. Wal-mart ended with the Supreme Court throwing out the case due to the class’s inability to properly meet Rule 23(a)(2), which establishes that the preliminary requirement for maintaining a class action is: “There are questions of law or face common to the class.” They couldn’t technically prove that all 1.5 million women had been discriminated against, but the teensy weensy snaffoo made by the court in clinging onto this rule for dear life is their dismissal of clause (b)(3) which states that “it is not required that all questions of law or fact raised in the litigation be common.” Aka they got a case thrown out on a technicality pertaining to their class action status, when the technicality didn’t even technically exist, and thus Wal-Mart still gets to treat women like technical shit. Technically. End Scene.

Oh no wait, its not the end! Thank God for feminists rallying against this unjust bullshit while anti-feminists are busy tearing us new preverbal assholes via Tumblr.

b) Cleveland Board of Education v. LaFleur

A Cleveland board of education rule required pregnant school teachers to take maternity leave without pay a whopping five months before expected birth, without being promised employment upon return. Jo Carol LaFleur and Anne Elizabeth Nelson were forced to take this extended leave and retaliated by giving the ol’ Cleve a legal whooping. Supreme Court ruled in favor of LaFleur, as the CBOE’s practices violated the Due Process clause of the 14^th amendment. Yes, an actual honest-to-God step forward was achieved – however, there have been many other cases of pregnant women being discriminated against in the workplace, which is something chosen by biological predisposition – not themselves. I can say with 100% accuracy that no man has ever been forced to choose between working and carrying a baby inside of his body. Well, maybe Thomas Beatie – the world’s first pregnant man. Scale of one to metal, that guy is Thallium.

Logical Fallacy committed by Girl Wonder: Reification – fallacy of ambiguity, when an abstraction (abstract belief, idea, hypothetical construct) is treated as if it were a concrete, real event, fact, or physical entity. Example: Adam Sandler is going to stop acting after Grown Ups 2 because it was so god-awful.

(He’s not – I’ve hearing rumblings of a trilogy.)

The Patriarchy Doesn’t Exist

 Hey, look! A patriarchy!

A society where the majority of people in positions of power are males quite literally is a patriarchy. Government – run by nearly all males. Catholicism – run by all males. Judaism – run by all males. Costco – mostly males. Christianity – mostly males. Islam – all males. California Pizza Kitchen down the street from my house – mostly males.

But that’s just the public sector, lets go private.

Males are shoved most of the pressure within the family unit to not only bear the brunt of the bread-winning burden, but to fix every leaking faucet or busted TV antennae within it. They are expected to pay for dinner on every dead-end date they go on, and women are supposed to be ridiculously grateful that this meal has been provided for them and reciprocate their magnanimity and generosity with either undying affection or a phenomenal over-the-pants hand job. My ‘power relations’ senses are tingling, and I do see how these oppress men as well. Men aren’t allowed to show emotions because it makes them appear weak, and this is not conducive when their societal worth is tied to their power, and this power must fuel the patriarchy that does, in fact, exist.

Logical Fallac(ies) committed by our child prodigy: Etymological Fallacy – Holds, erroneously, that the present-day meaning of a word or phrase should necessarily be similar to its historical meaning. Example: You can’t say I’m acting like a witch. I don’t draw pentagrams. Ha!

2. Argument from Incredulity – Subject cannot possibly imagine something to be true, and therefore assumes it to be false. Example: I have never seen a platypus in person. They do not exist.

Most Victims of Street Violence are Men

RIP Tupac. He is an example of a man whose life was taken too soon on the mean streets – by another man. I’d like to pose the argument that a good 900% of those acting out the violence are men as well. I haven’t seen any gun totin’ Annies in the news recently for shooting up college campuses, shooting up movie theatres, shooting up preschools, shooting up nail salons, or shooting up high schools. Similarily, I don’t see too many female drug lords or cartel bosses or pimps. Yes, pimps are a huge thing, and they do fall under the category of “street violence”. Even in the grand ol’ USA there are over 300,000 humans being trafficked around as sex slaves, and 80% of them are women. They are drugged by men and beaten by men and raped by men, and these actions are the result of a line of thinking which produces the mentality that women are in existence to be sex toys. No matter what you say or what statistical analysis of men being raped vs. women being raped, society does not hold the popular opinion, subconscious or not, that men are sex toys. That title is reserved almost exclusively for women – how lucky are we?

(Aside: I do reiterate – I don’t hate men. I don’t blame the guy making coffee in the break room for the fact that almost every massive fuckup in history has been from a member of his gender. This guy is preparing liquid salvation for myself and other employees to enjoy, so he is pretty O.K. in my book. Statistics do not always apply to the individual.)

Logical Fallacy Committed by Miss Thang: Denying The Antecedent: Inferring the inverse from an original statement. If P, then Q. Not P. Therefore, not Q. Example: A lot of violence befalls women (P), this is really bad and should be stopped (Q). Nevermind, way more violence befalls men (not P), therefore violence towards women isn’t really bad and shouldn’t be stopped (not Q).

(I think Tupac would agree that all violence is really bad and should be stopped.)

I’m Responsible For My Own Actions

How nice for you. As to the relevance of this point in arguing against feminism, I’m unsure. I believe she is trying to say that feminists don’t fancy themselves responsible for their actions, and I’m even more horrified to deduce that she may be referring to sex. So to that: Feminists haven’t got a bone to pick against consensual bumping of the uglies, and should/will take all responsibility when said acts occurs – but to this effect, any form of rape whether done to a woman, a man, or a panda, especially where any of the blame is shifted to the victim or said victim’s credibility is doubted, sends us into a miasma of despair.

Logical Fallac(ies) Committed by Our Lady of Responsibility: 1. Tu quoque – intends to discredit the validity of the opponent’s logical argument by asserting the opponent’s failure to act consistently in accordance with its conclusion. Example: You can’t get mad at that guy for having unwanted sex with you, because you have so much sex with other guys.

2. Thought-terminating cliché – a commonly used phrase, sometimes passing as folk wisdom, used to quell cognitive dissonance, conceal lack of thought-entertainment, move on to other topics etc. but in any case, end the debate with a cliché—not a point. In Example: Bill Crosby ruphied your drink? Oh, well, boys will be boys!

(Lil’ Bill’s gonna be Lil’ Bill)

‘Lil Bill’ just got a whole new meaning

There Is No Rape Culture

I’m not sure which imaginary world this chick is skipping through – but she skips alone. Over here on planet earth, here is one example of whats been going on the past few weeks/months/years/eternity:

Owen Labrie (19), A New England Prep-Punk with an unrivaled chill-to-pull street cred, is being accused of violently raping a freshman two days before his graduation. His defense to a 75% male jury has included, inter alia, that she was totes down, that he shouldn’t lose his Vanderbilt acceptance and bright future because of one stupid little rape, that he didn’t have sex with her and dismissed the texts brought forth wherein he stated “he pulled every trick in the book to go from no to bone” as lies told to impress his friends, and my personal favorite, saying he had a sudden change of heart right before penetration and decided against it – then prematurely jizzed his pants, you know, to explain the semen sample found on the girl. Meanwhile, the victim has had to verbally articulate through tears every horrid detail of the incident, which has no doubt haunted her for months, in a room full of men who respond to her testimony with skepticism and attacks on her character.

“In her testimony, the girl said she blamed herself for not being stronger, and for not saying no more forcefully. Instead, she said she was polite to Labrie, before and after the alleged assault, because she didn’t want “to come off as bitchy” to one of the most popular boys in school. Later she said she replied to his flirty messages because she was in denial, and didn’t want him to contact her in person. “I wanted to tell myself that I had the control in this situation,” she told the court.” –Vice News

That. That right there. That’s rape culture. The fact that she blames herself and didn’t want to come off as bitchy. Rape. Fucking. Culture. Do I need to say it again? Do I need to get a skywriting plane and have it plastered across the sky that rape is rape is rape and not saying no forcibly enough does not make it not rape and oh my god why is this concept so difficult for people to understand. Like, let me show you on the doll where you aren’t allowed to touch unless given explicit permission.

Rape Culture keeps perpetuating this idea that “sex is a go until she explicitly says no”, but there are so many things going on in a girl’s head while hooking up, and if one of those is fear that she’ll be painted to society as a bitch or lose the affection of the guy because she blue-balled him, then the word ‘no’ is hard to find. It is especially hard to find when you’re borderline unconscious due to alcohol consumption, or drugged (Lil’ Bill I’m talking to YOU), or if you have his voice in your ear trying to convince you of how much you want it. This line of thinking is the root of rape’s evil, and the reason shit like this happens over and over and over where the girl feels it is rape and the guy is all like wut? she wanted the D. There needs to be a massive cerebral reprogramming, so that the automatic assumption is not that sex is a go until she says no, in fact, I think if we directly reversed this whole way of thinking we could make progress. I would like to propose that the new way of thinking in regards to sex should be it’s an automatic NO-GO until the female says out-loud: “I want you to put your penis inside of me.” Let’s make this a thing…all those on the receiving end of phallus should have to say this before sex, and unless the party attempting to penetrate hears those words, just go ahead and put it away, take a cold shower, and think of Grandpa in a banana hammock. Instant boner-killer.

Logical Fallacy committed by God’s gift to intellect: None. Sorry to report, there is no logical disjuncture here. This one was pure unmitigated ignorance, assuaged only by the fact that perhaps she is too young to know what rape is – which is a privilege in itself.

Wow. I feel a lot better now. It felt quite nice to release all that from my system. I shall now recapture my purpose for this article as: I’m not trying to get anyone to become a feminist. I don’t care what you are – unless it’s ignorant. Don’t be ignorant.

And God help you if you’re hatefully ignorant. There aren’t enough Marie Calendar’s on earth to supply the amount of pies you deserve to have shoved in your face.

Larry, Mo, and Curly getting ready for the takedown