I find myself, along with many others, not really sure what’s going on in the political realm now that Jon Stewart has gone off the air. It feels as though he has left a void, an immeasurable chasm, and now all of us empirical bastards who want to satirize the government and/or the entire political system have retreated to our holes to hide from the bombardment of bafoonery. I’ve decided that if I want to help myself, and my readers, remain more informed, that I must take it upon myself – as my civic duty, or whathaveyou – to forge a roadmap to navigate these misty political waters. This article will be the first in a series of helping the average dude in a flannel or lassie with a Starbucks understand just what in tarnation is going on.
Now I Present – The 2016 Republican Candidates
(minus Jim Gilmore because I got tired and he’s ranked last)
(Ranked in my own random order)
TED CRUZ
Instagram Handle: @tedcruzininmylowlow
Current Position: US Senator From Texas (2013-present)
Favorite Movie: Frozen
Quotes: “If standing for Liberty and standing for the constitution makes you a wacko bird, then I am a very, very proud wacko bird.” – on whether Articuno should get a nest in the senate
“Companies and small businesses should absolutely not only have the right to turn away gay customers, they should exercise that right. Universal condemnation may convince these people to stop choosing to be gay.” – on trying to get shorter lines at Arby’s
Bio:
Ted for tea, tea for Ted. The Texas Tea Party wouldn’t be anything without their Madhatter, their “wacko bird,” Señor Ted-still-sleeps-with-the-lights-on-Cruz. He was the baritone for his high school glee club and believes the moon landing of ’69 was just Liberal Propaganda. He got stung by a bee on a Boy Scout camping trip when he was twelve and has since been waging a counter strike against Mother Earth, sponsoring bills that increase coal & natural gas exports, promoting construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline , prohibiting the regulation of Greenhouse Gases, repealing the Renewable Fuel Standard, and letting people frack away at the Earth’s surface to their heart’s content. He is passionately in love with big businesses – and they love him in return. To really cement this reciprocal love, he sponsored a bill which allows unlimited direct campaign contributions for candidates. Also: He hates the gays, loves guns, thinks Obama is a socialist tyrant, and has seen all 94 episodes of Sex & The City. Twice.
Fiscal Policy:
Imagine a world where everyone, from the guy who invented the sticky part of the Post-It, to the guy making you a sandwich at Subway, all paid the exact same rate in taxes. A Flat Tax: Equality for all. This is the world Ted Cruz wants to live in, where leprechauns descend from rainbows holding pots of gold to make up for the amount of money the government would no longer be receiving from the top 5 percent of the country’s wealth. Imagine all the people gallivanting about beneath the azure skies knowing that they’ll be paying the exact same amount in taxes as the person next to them, regaling in the knowledge that the ability to supercharge our economy now depends on the philanthropy and consumerism of the 1%. Meanwhile, the poorest of the poor, paying the same exact rate as Bill Gates, would be getting the short end of the fiscal stick – because somebody’s gotta pay for government pensions and defense spending.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: This guy is climbing the polls and is currently #4 in the Republican Race. He just recently moved into this spot, and sources say he was seen at a bar after the primary debate dancing on a table with a lampshade on his head, singing “Let It Go” from Frozen at the top of his lungs. (The poor never bothered him, anyway).
BEN CARSON
Instagram Handle: @drbenfeelgood
Current Position: Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital (1984-2013)
Favorite Movie: John Tucker Must Die
Quotes: “I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away” – definitely not a Tupac fan
“Obamacare is really, I think, the worst thing that has happened to this nation since slavery.” – on Pearl Harbor, The Vietnam War, and the attacks of September 11th, 2001.
Bio:
Ben Carson is the doc on the political block. He enjoys long walks on the beach, making comments with no basis in reality, and singing Destiny’s Child into his scalpel. He is pro-life and on a mission to get the 1973 court case Roe v. Wade, which legalized abortion, dropkicked right on outta here. He was publicly PO’d about the use of human fetal tissue for stem cell research, then was subsequently thrust into some ethical “hot water” when it was discovered that he had used human fetal tissues in the past. When questioned he raised his shoulders a la Shaggy Doo and let out baffled “Zoinks!” It was adorable. Vis-à-vis education, he believes that the AP US History Course paints the USA in a negative light – what with all that mention of slavery, Native American genocide, and Japanese Internment – and wants it thrown out of the curriculum, stating that “when people finish that course, they’d be ready to go join ISIS.”
Fiscal Policy:
Like Ted Cruz, he wants to replace the current income tax system with a Flat Tax. He is all aboard the ‘Let’s balance the budget!’ choo choo train, and like all other members of the train, hasn’t outlined any specific plan for this apart from making the age of entry into the Social Security program higher. He also supports a two-tiered minimum wage system, wherein younger workers would receive a lower “starter” wage than older workers. He keeps it right and tight in most elements of the fiscal world, but then diverges from the norm in regards to the Glass-Steagall Legislation. Glass-Steagall was a Depression era law which declared the separation of Commercial Bank and Investment Bank. This act was repealed by the end of 1999, and critics have argued that this repeal set off a chain of reactions which led to the late 2000’s financial crisis. Carson wants this legislation reinstated.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: Ben Carson is 2nd behind Trump. This guy who said that Obamacare was worse than slavery, who said armed Jews could have taken down the Nazis, who said that high-schoolers taking APUSH are en-route to Isis, is IN SECOND PLACE to the guy who referred to Mexicans as rapists and John McCain as a war prisoner pussy.
RICK SANTORUM
dat ass.
Instagram Handle: @shewantstherick
Current Position: US Senator from Pennsylvania (1995-2007)
Favorite Movie: What A Girl Wants
Quotes: “The church has gotten it wrong a few times on science.” – on dinosaurs
“There is a wealth of research demonstrating that pornography causes profound brain changes and widespread negative effects on adults.” – on Brazzer’s raising their subscription fee
“Global warming is a beautifully concocted scheme.” – trying to distract citizens from 9/11 conspiracy theories
Bio:
Rick Perry claims to be a man of the people, the voice of the voiceless, the knight in shining armour for the forgotten and mistreated – just as long as you’re not gay, a porn-star, into premarital sex, or a scientist. He joined the Senate in 1995 and began whining about everything from Islam to Dan being Gossip Girl the whole time. Within this position he has made his views on pornography known – none of it, ew grody – and has criticized Obama for not doing more to stop it. Needless to say, he is not a Brazzers.com subscriber, though he does love to engage in all sorts of religiously charged role playing in the bedroom with his wife, Karen (Priest/Nun, Father Junipero Serra/Native American Woman, Priest&Rabbi/Duck).
Fiscal Policy:
Rick claims to be fiscally conservative, which holds different implications and definitions for every candidate. But in prototypical conservative fashion he promises to cut taxes, even though his track record indicates that he has championed for an increase in government spending at every available opportunity – even sponsoring a legislation to raise federal spending a net $27 billion dollars while a member of the 107th congress. Yes, the mathematical breach contained here is an input value vs. output value situation – but we must not fault him, because math and science do not appear to be his strong suit. To explain I will use a simple equation: X – Y = Raging Storm of Crap. Let X equal what we want from the government. Let Y equal how much we’re willing to pay for it. Rick keeps trying to increase X while promising to decrease Y, and is therefore plunging himself and the electorate into a categorical crap-storm. For the scientifically inclined: you cannot get something out of nothing.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: His fiscal policy is just ambiguous, or dare I say it, middle ground, enough to get him hated by the far right, and his social conservatism has lost him the far left, and thus Rick is on his way to being far out.
LINDSEY GRAHAM
Instagram Handle: @twistedlindsey
Current Position: US Senator from South Carolina (2003-present)
Favorite Movie: Project X
Quotes: “The world is literally about to blow up.” – on the fart he’s been holding in since 1987
“That’s the first thing I’m going to do as president. We’re going to drink more.” – on the legalization of marijuana
Bio:
This guy is a freak in the sheets and eats a sirloin steak sandwich every morning to counteract the cholesterol meds he’s been taking since the Regan administration. He proudly stated he has never sent an email before; no, our Lindsey still grants government subsidies to the Pony Express. This lack of telecommunication explains why he is a supporter of the NSA scanning phones for terrorists. Likes: Intervening in foreign affairs, Israel, guns, and pilfering the tiny shampoo bottles from hotel rooms. Dislikes: Russia, Anchor Babies, Military Spending Cuts, and Kylie Jenner’s Blue Hair (“It’s just too bright!”)
Fiscal Policy:
He was onboard with the raising of the debt ceiling, but also wanted to see it accompanied by budget cuts fer dayz – just as long as said cuts did not touch his precious military, because to do so would be “inviting terrorists”. He voted yes to pass a bill that cut spending on student loans (thanks.), agriculture (the avocados are pissed), conservation, and Medicaid/Medicare. Another bill he passed and co-sponsored allowed for THREE WHOLE DOLLARS to be designated on an individual’s tax return for paying back the public debt*. Thank you for doing your part, Lindsey Graham. That $3 could have gotten you two Slim Jims or a 7-11 slushie.
*It would take an estimated $52,000 out of pocket from every single American Citizen in order to pay back the debt.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: Not the best. He is currently 13th, as his bipartisanship and lack of complete hatred for Obama has the conservatives rolling their eyes and threatening not to invite him to their birthday party. Rumor has it: there will be Funfetti cake.
MIKE HUCKABEE
Instagram Handle: @magicmike44
Current Position: 44th Governor of Arkansas (1996-2007)
Favorite Movie: The Neverending Story
Quotes: “I’ve never, ever tasted beer.” – on his life long battle with gluten intolerance
“Everybody loves peace, but wearing jewelry around your neck and saying ‘I love peace’ doesn’t make it.” – on why he buys his wife lingerie instead of jewelry for her birthday
“Beyonce is a terrific dancer – without the explicit moves best left for the privacy of her bedroom.” – on why T-swift deserved that VMA
Bio:
Mike Huckabee is a man of many talents: hosts his own talk show on Fox, is the electric bassist for his classic rock cover-band Capitol Offense, and lost over 110 pounds by switching to Jenny Craig. He states that he is a man of astute morals, and it can be presumed that these “morals” led to his pardoning 1,033 prisoners from prison – 12 of them being convicted murderers. In an extra moral situation, he pardoned Eugene Fields from a six-year prison sentenced received after Fields was caught drunk driving 4 times in 5 years. Huckabee insists that the metric fuckton of money Fields donated to Arkansas had nothing to do with his release, and then when Fields drunk drove again, crossed a center divider, and nearly hit a cop car, Huckabee was all like “Oh poopsie, didn’t see that one coming!” Huckabee opposes abortion, Obama care, gay marriage/gay adoptions, and rejects Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. He thinks Fossils are just funny shaped calcium deposits. He wants to implement a 9-Step Immigration Plan, which includes as its pièce de résistance that all 11-12 million Immigrants register to the Federal Government immediately and return to their home country within 120 days. Failure to do so makes you an enemy of the State.
Fiscal Policy:
In the Cato Institute’s annual Fiscal Policy Report Card, Huckabee received an F and a special mention as a ‘Governor who fell from grace’ on the grounds that he raised taxes at every opportunity. During his tenure as the Arkansas governor he increased spending from $2.6 billion to $4 billion, and increased taxes a net $505 million. Then he just went ahead and lied about all of this during the primaries, stating that he cut taxes 94% while governor, and is pumped as all hell to bring his $killz to the White House. How he is even considered a Republican, apart from his flagrant social conservatism, is lost on me. This goes to display the degree to which Evangelical Christianity (he’s a Televangelist) has taken over the Republican Party, and how ‘What do we want to do with all the money?’ has dropped off the priority list.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: If it took me all of five minutes to figure out that Huckabee would be a financial plague on this country, imagine what experts can do. He is getting ripped a new one all around the block and this has him falling weekly, down down down to 9th place.
MARCO RUBIO
Maybe he’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline
Instagram Handle: @rubioscubancuisine
Current Position: US Senator from Florida (2011-present)
Favorite Movie: 40 Year Old Virgin
Quotes: “To argue that raising the minimum wage is going to create upward mobility is, quite frankly, silly.” – on Chipotle charging $2 for guacamole
“The way to turn our economy around is not by making rich people poorer, but by making poor people richer.” – on why Santa should leave money instead of toys
“It’s easier to sell cotton candy than it is to sell broccoli to someone.” – on why The Veggie Tales fizzled out
Bio:
A man of many words, but a man of few facts, Rubio kicked off his “Honesty” Campaign with lies about his parent’s arrival from Cuba, stating they were forced to leave in 1959 after Castro came into power, when it has been proven they actually left in 1956 seeking better economic opportunity. So while that may have been a teensy weensy snaffoo, he made proverbial lemonade by stating that the importance be placed on the fact that they came to America for opportunity – and thus his political platform began to grow around the concept of promoting legal immigration and championing a pathway to legal citizenship for undocumented immigrants (though they do have to jump through rings of fire in order to attain this citizenship, but that is besides the point). This is a refreshing, more progressive change, and the only thing setting him apart from every other run of the mill gay-hating, abortion abhorring, gun-lovin, wannabe tax-cutting candidate. Plus, he has a dynamite jawline.
Fiscal Policy:
Rubio had only been in senate a few months before he got thrust into the hurricane that was the 2011 Budget Crisis. The question was whether the debt ceiling needed to be raised as to prevent the government from defaulting on their loans. To prevent a catastrophe, a catastrophe which had been set in motion back in the dawn of the dinosaurs, Obama had to sign the Budget Control Act of 2011 – raising the debt ceiling and in turn cutting spending $917 billion dollars over the next ten years. If this thing hadn’t passed we’d all be sitting in the dark singing kumbayah and praying for manna to fall from the sky, so it’s a good thing it did. Rubio, however, voted against it. He wants to lower taxes, but doesn’t really have many legs to stand on in terms of just exactly how to balance the budget. Plus, as a member of the Tea Party, he has certain loyalties to government programs the TP supports, and therefore cannot cut them. So in short: balance the budget, get rid of the things he doesn’t like, but keep the things he does like. Because he likes them.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: His stance on immigration has garnered ample support, and he’s really having fun with the whole “my parents were minimum wage immigrants” thing as well. He’s currently ranked 3rd, thus his chances are fairly decent.
JEB BUSH
Instagram Handle: @biggerthebushtheclosertogod43
Current Position: 43rd Governor of Florida (1999-2007)
Favorite Movie: Anything with Ryan Gosling in it.
Quotes: “I don’t think a party can be a major political party if it’s the old white guy party” – explaining why they should invite more girls to rage next time
“Who among us has never looked up into the heavens on a starlit night, lost in wonder at the vastness of space and the beauty of the stars?” – on recreational use of hallucinogenics
“Immigrants are more fertile.” – on burrito flavored condoms
Bio:
Jeb is his own man. He isn’t his brother or his Daddy and he wants to lead our Country into the fields of gold while riding atop his noble steed. He wants every American to know that it is their Goddamned Right not to be trifled with, thus he implemented the Stand Your Ground Law in Florida. The first of it’s kind, this Law states that lethal force can be used as the first option over running or backing down in any scenario where an individual feels threatened. This legislation has been highly critiqued due to its enlacement with the Trayvon Martin Case, wherein George Zimmerman exorcised his Jeb-given right and shot Martin as his first instinct. But apart from giving Florida citizens the license to kill, Jeb also has effected an ‘A+’ education reform, which has helped fourth graders get higher test scores, and provides corporations with tax credits for donations to Scholarship Funding Organizations. In more zealous philanthropy, Jeb passed “Terri’s Law”, which allowed for a woman who had been on life support for 15 years to stay on life support, possibly forever, despite her own husband arguing to pull the plug. Terri hasn’t made a statement; she is comatose. Also: YES on Capital Punishment, YES on drilling, YES on Keystone XL, YES to the NSA, and HECK NO on Libraries. He really hates Libraries.
Fiscal Policy:
While serving as Governor of Florida, $13 billion were cut in state taxes. But these surface value figures should be more closely examined, because Jebby wants to take all the credit for the fact that this tax slash coincided with the phasing out of the Federal Estate Tax implemented in 2001 by his big bro; aka it was the elimination of Intangible Personal Property Tax (stocks, bonds, MMF’s) which sliced taxes – nothing that Jeb did himself, apart from cutting 5.8 million in grants to public libraries. Like I said, he hates libraries. As President he wants to take an axe to welfare and limit the amount of time a person is eligible to 4 years and cut benefits given to people who have children while on welfare (but he also is against abortion…”Logic”) Last but not least, Jeb Bush got himself into a pickle back in 1988 when he and his business partner defaulted on a $4.6 million dollar loan, which went to be absorbed by Florida taxpayers. “Whoops-a-daisy! At least I didn’t launch a war with Iraq over false rumors of WMD’s!”
Chances of Being The Chosen One: He’s been hovering around the 4th and 5th position in the GOP power rankings, but he isn’t as feisty as Carli, as outspoken as Trump, as ridiculous as Carson, or as sexy as Marco Rubio. Plus, he’s a Bush. Outlook is bleak.
RAND PAUL
Instagram Handle: @stopcallingmeron
Current Position: US Senator from Kentucky
Favorite Movie: Finding Nemo
Quotes: “Does the owner of the restaurant own his restaurant? Or does the government own his restaurant?” – trying to figure out who he should pay for his curly fries
“I’m not in favor of any discrimination of any form.” – on why he doesn’t just pick the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms
“Each one of my budgets has taken a meat axe to foreign aid, because I think we ought to quit sending it to countries that hate us.” – still ticked about the ‘kick me’ sign someone stuck on his back at the last UN conference
Bio:
Rand Paul is a Libertarian. He believes in the people, believes they can run their own lives, own their own guns, and considering he wants to completely eliminate the Department of Housing & Community Development, the people can build their own houses, too. Rand-likes-his-Ranch-on-the-side-Paul can Filibuster (talk for hours on end to delay bills being passed) like nobody’s business, once spending 12 hours and 52 minutes on the floor to protest the CIA’s usage of Drones within US Borders, and another time spending 10 hours to protest section 215 of the US PATRIOT Act. Sir-Talks-a-Lot actually did some good with these, seeing as Drones are dangerous and the PATRIOT Act allows government monitoring at a “Big Brother” Level. I really just want to know what brand of adult diapers he wore for both situations. Yes, Rand Paul has urinated himself in front of hundreds of people – For America! Also: He’s 100% pro-life (not very Libertarian of him…), doesn’t care about gay marriage (not for the government to decide), says women aren’t oppressed at all (….), and plagiarized dozens of books and the movie Gattaca verbatim in many of his speeches. “We have to get drunk immediately” – Jerome from Gattaca. See, that’s how you quote a movie responsibly.
Fiscal Policy:
This is where Rand’s Libertarianism comes out in full force. He wants to cut the Department of Education by 83%, cut Homeland Security by 43%, and completely eradicate International Aid. He blocked a bill to provide $36 million in benefits for the elderly and disabled refugees, claiming that it could potentially aid terrorists. He wants a 14.5% flat tax for all individuals, elimination of taxes on inheritance, gifts, and capital gains, and he wants a magical Unicorn to float down from the sky and do all of the things that the government is supposed to do and will stop doing whence said funding is denied. He wants a Balanced Budget Amendment, but I fear for the future of every single safety-net program under the sun if he gets his hands on said budget. Although, it should be mentioned that .015 of our Federal Budget goes towards a Helium Fund. Helium = Balloons = Clowns = anti-Christ. Maybe the Helium fund could get a kick in the knees before we deny political refugees cans of soup or textbooks to children.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: About as likely as a Beatles reunion concert complete with the resurrection of John Lennon and George Harrison. He’s currently ranked #10 and I just don’t see his extreme budget views and hatred for most things getting him moved up.
CARLY FIORINA
Instagram Handle: @badgirlfifi
Current Position: CEO of Hewlett Packard (1999-2005)
Favorite Movie: Die Hard
Quotes: “My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled.” – on her new perfume line ‘Power-Spiration’
“Once I dive in, I dive in all the way.” – on standing in the Souplantation buffet line twice
“Do not be afraid to made decisions, do not be afraid to make mistakes.” – on that awful post-breakup haircut she got in ‘04
Bio:
Named the “Most Powerful Woman in Business”, Badgirlfifi bopped all the way through the glass ceiling as the first woman CEO of Fortune 20 Company, Hewlett Packard. She wasn’t the most popular there, and when employees were asked “If they’d ever felt personally victimized by Carly Fiorina”, 30000 people raised their hands and were promptly fired. She was forced to resign from HP in 2005, and on that day the HP stock jumped 6.9% and the employees jumped 6.9 feet in the air, champagne bottles in hand. But then she wrote the book “Tough Choices” about all the lessons she learned while nearly running an entire company to the ground and believes she’ll do good this time around. She has since busted a move for women empowerment, supporting multiple organizations to educate underprivileged women, as well as founding the Fiorina Foundation for the kiddies. She leans a lil to the left in wanting equal pay for women, the decriminalization of drugs, and the revving up of the educational system. Also: YES on guns, NO on abortion, NO to gay marriage – but you can call it a ‘civil union’, is so totally over talking about Immigration, and YES to change.
Fiscal Policy:
Carly advocates Zero-Based Budgeting instead of the currently utilized “Current Services Baseline”. I shall explain what this means and why she’s right about this: When drawing up a budget, Congress does not start with the number zero. They start with a “Current Services Baseline”, which is an estimate of how much $$$ it will cost the government to do what they do when they do it again the next year. The CS Baseline is determined by taking this year’s costs and adding money for inflation, population growth, how many more people need to be hired within the program, and etc. Let’s take the Helium fund for example, say its part of a government program called “Balloonatics”. Hypothetically, Congress authorized $100 million for Balloonatics funding in 1990. 1991 budgeteers would then factor in 5 percent inflation, note a 10-percent increase in clowns using balloons, assume a 10-percent increase in Helium based on the Census Bureau surveys of Little Kid Birthday Activity, and then give Balloonatics a $125 million baseline. At this rate, “Balloonatics” grows to be a $10 billion dollar program in twenty years, and with the current policy nobody stops and goes ‘wait….why the fuck did we even agree to pay this much way back in 1990? Nobody really even likes Balloons anymore. It’s all about the ice-sculptures.’ A Zero-based budgeting would require that the budget be re-evaluated, starting from the number zero, producing a fresh budget every year without reference to the past. Fresh budget = less money on Balloonatics = more money for things that matter = happy America? Ice-sculptures?
Chances of Being The Chosen One: Fiorina’s been bouncing around with trump for #1, and will most likely keep bouncing with him and Marco Rubio for the spot through the continuation of the debates. Her biggest advantage over Trump is her knowledge of Foreign Policy and not making it her primary modus operandi to tick everyone off. Badgirlfifi might just take the cake cake cake.
CHRIS CHRISTIE
Instagram Handle: @callmebigpoppa
Current Position: 55th Governor of New Jersey (2010-present)
Favorite Movie: Backyard Sluts 4
Quotes: “If you’re sick, take your sick day. If you don’t take your sick day, know what your reward is? You weren’t sick. That was the reward.” – on being too hungover for work
“Sometimes when you see the newspaper and you read something I said, you say, ‘Oh, I can’t believe he said that.’” – on standing by his statement that Backyard Sluts 4 was way better than Backyard Sluts 5
Bio:
Let the record show that Chris Christie was not responsible for the breakup(s) between Sammi Sweetheart and Ronnie on The Jersey Shore. He was, however, responsible for Exxon Mobil settling an environmental damage lawsuit by paying the state 3% of what the state’s lawyers had originally sought. Allow me to explain Exxon Mobil: Exxon is the largest publicly held corporation in the country, produces 3% of the world’s oil, 2% of the world’s energy, is in 6th place for most airborne pollutants emitted, and maintains 8 out of the 10 slots for largest corporate quarterly earnings of all time. They’ve paid over $16 million to 43 organizations that exist to criticize global warming. These 43 companies have agreed unanimously that burning fossil fuels aren’t causing global warming and that it is probably all of the illegal immigrants heating up the earth’s atmosphere. ANYWAYS, because Chris Christie did Exxon a favor by getting them out of that pesky $8.9 billion lawsuit, they’ve gone and funded his Super PAC. A little quid-pro-quo if you will. They also brainwashed him in the art of hating planet Earth as he wants to strip environmental protection of fish & wildlife, illegally tried to pull New Jersey from the Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative, vetoed an animal welfare bill, and told Snooki that her excessive hair spray usage was “no biggie D”.
Fiscal Policy:
Chris Christie is Governor of the state with the 2nd lowest credit rating in the country and has been in numerous ‘we gotta pay for things but we have none of the money stuff’ situations. Back in 2010, Jersey had a $2.2 billion budget deficit, and to remedy this ‘oopsie’ he just went ahead and de-funded the Department of the Public Advocate (aka the voice of the people). He wants to cut taxes and has done so in the past, but it can be presumed that he missed the part of the economy lesson where you learn cutting taxes –> less government money to spend. But Chris Christie was like But I promised the people I’d cut taxes –> Ah, screw it, I’ll cut taxes and keep spending like its 1999 –> $2.2 billion deficit –> total bummer –> emotional weight gain –> no date to prom. Also: He vetoed raising the minimum wage in NJ from $7.25 to $8.50 and he considers taxes on weed sales to be “blood money”, which is ironic because his campaign is funded by the company responsible for killing Earth.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: He’s been floating around the bottom of the polls, moving between 8th and 11th on a weekly basis. The fact that he’s somehow not on the chopping block yet has me questioning the entire nation’s intelligence and morality. The guy vetoed a bill that protected pregnant pigs from being stuffed in tiny crates while waiting to give birth for Chrissakes. Do we need to get Charlotte to make a web across the GOP debates condemning this guy to hell, or what?
JOHN KASICH
Instagram Handle: @kasichpermanente69
Current Position: 69th Governor of Ohio
Favorite Movie: Bruce Almighty
Quotes: “Everytime I go to Washington, I break out in a cold sweat.” – on why he showed up stark naked to Obama’s Christmas Party
“Everybody has a right to their God-given purpose.” – on how people said he could be anything, so he became a human food vacuum
Bio:
John-easy-on-the-eyes-Kasich could be Harrison Ford and Leonardo DiCaprio’s love child – with Ford’s classic smirk and DiCaprio’s charming brow ridge. Hillary Clinton has referred to Kasich as ‘simply dreamy’ and gushed that she and Bill would be totally down for a ménage à trois – you know, for America. Kasich has had his cute butt prancing around the political hemisphere since 1982, serving 18 years as a member of the House of Armed Services Committee and then 8 years as the chairman for the House Budget Committee. During his tenure, Kasich was praised for being the “chief architect of a deal that balanced the federal budget for the first time since 1969” and was voted “most likely to take home a Kardashian at the next Inaugural ball.” This guy is the unicorn of the GOP race for candidacy, a gossamer of rainbow light who wants to challenge wasteful defense spending, create a pathway to citizenship for immigrants, reform prisons, and doesn’t consider a love for JESUS to be a political platform. Hallelujah!
Fiscal Policy:
Kasich’s credentials blow every other Rupublican candidate out of the water. He was the chairman of the House Budget Committee back in `97 AND didn’t do anything to fuck it up. What a concept. Since he’s been governor of Ohio he has lowered taxes without throwing the state into deficit, even managing to increase education funding along the way. He supports a Balanced Budget Amendment, and based upon the budget he proposed in 1993, would most likely include massive military cuts, pension cuts, federal layoffs, and a higher age of entry for Social Security. He wants to lower income taxes and increase the price of goods – a move he made while governor of Ohio which displayed positive results. The few fiscal scratches on his beautiful, beautiful face involve signing into law a state budget which included taking $1.4 million from Planned Parenthood (keep in mind PP does a lot more than abort). But while he may not respect women’s bodies, he does respect mother Earth in his efforts to tax the fuck out of frackin’ and keep water that clear color we love so much.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: Kasich is without a doubt the most experienced, intelligent, reasonable candidate on the current GOP ticket. So naturally he’s ranked below Trump, Carson, and Fiorina – three candidates who, between the three of them, have spent a total of 0 years in political office. He is also below Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush – candidates who have the combined intellect of a Chihuahua. Kasich’s problem is most likely his bipartisanship, lack of idiotic comments to the press, and not being BFFs with JESUS.
GEORGE PATAKI
Instagram Handle: @georgeorangeyougladididntsaybush
Current Position: 53rd Governor of New York (1995-2006)
Favorite Movie: Bambi
Quotes: “If someone lives in New York, he’s a New Yorker – they are entitled to the best medical system in the world.” – on why New Jersey should go fuck themselves
“Israel has always been and must always be America’s strongest ally.” – on why the UK and the French should go fuck themselves
Bio:
Pataki just used Tax-Slash on your Pokemon – and drained all of its government funding! Time to let Nurse Joy have her way with you while Pataki evolves into Presidaki. Oh wait, Nurse Joy has been let go because all of the Hospital’s funding has been cut, and now she has to turn tricks in the white-collar district just to get by. Pataki doesn’t mind, though, because a promise to cut taxes is a promise, even if the state of New York was in the middle of a massive deficit after the tech layoffs pursuant to the implosion of the dotcom sector. So he cut those taxes, then cut funding for education and hospitals to bridge the deficit, and thus Nurse Joy changed her name to Nurse Pain and engages in BDSM with Wall Street Investment Bankers. So it goes. Anyways: Despite being fiscally conservative, Pataki hangs loose on the left socially in being pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and pro-gun control. He is also a revered environmentalist and has been praised for his efforts to both clean up the Hudson River and combat Global Warming. Presidaki just used Shock on your Pokemon – and now it’s just really shocked that a Republican candidate recognizes global warming as an actual problem.
Fiscal Policy:
His taxation policies have been touched on, but it should also be noted that he denied funding to pre-schoolers. Those little pussies can learn their ABC’s on their own dime. Speaking of pussies, for 10 years in a row the state of New York has been fashionably late with producing their yearly budget. Pataki does this to build suspense, because to him it’s not just the budget, it’s his own personal Master Ball – legally, because one of the main things Pataki has done in his tenure is to enact legislation giving himself Supreme Budget Authority. So, now he’s going to be the very best, like no one ever was, to cut tax is his real quest, to defund them is his cause.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: He’s dead last in the rankings. Some people are really pissed about Nurse Joy’s fall from grace.
BOBBY JINDAL
my mom said this was a nice haircut
Instagram Handle: @pleasejustcallmebob55
Current Position: 55th Governor of Louisiana (2008-present)
Favorite Movie: Spy Kids
Quotes: “Bring back the melting pot.” – on fondue
“They need to learn English, adopt our values, roll up their sleeves, and get to work” – on the Keebler elves taking too long with his Fudge Stripes
Bio:
Bobby likes his gumbo the way he likes his women – steamin’ hot and extra fishy. The Louisiana governor is the first Indian American to be appointed to his position, and it really grinds his gears when people refer to him as an American Indian. Not the same; Columbus screwed up everything in that regard. He is considered a popular Governor, boasting a 77% approval rating and a bounty on the heads of the 33% who suck. OR they just didn’t enjoy the fact that he’s been rubbing tenderloins with the exec of Foster Farms Chicken, even giving the company $50 million in taxpayer money so that they could purchase a Chicken Production Plant. Granted, he claimed it was to create jobs and to bail out Pilgrim’s Pride, the bankrupt company that previously owned the plant, but conspiracy theorists have proposed that perhaps our Bobby is assembling an army of chickens to combat abortion and get rid of all the illegal immigrants. Anyways: YES on chicken, YES on guns, NO on illegal immigrants, YES to the environment, YES to recycling/energy efficiency/hybrid vehicles, NO to gay marriage, YES to gumbo, NO to Columbus.
*Bobby gets a special mention for making it on my list of ‘What is This Fuckery?’ by supporting a bill which lets motorcyclists decide whether or not they should wear a helmet. This just seems weird to me considering he is radically anti-abortion. Dead Babies = BAD. Dead Motorcyclists = eh, whatever. Children In Poverty = tell their parents to get jobs.
Fiscal Policy:
Bobby is a conservative who wants to lower taxes. Yeah, that’s right, put your dropped jaws back in place and listen, because guess what: he also wants to balance the budget. Shock. Gasp. OMG. In 2013 he released a plan to completely eradicate income taxes in Louisiana, and instead increase sales-tax in efforts to reboot their economy. This didn’t pan out because, as it turns out, you need money from people to pay for things for the people. Bobby, however, does not want to give some things to some people, i.e. benefits for the unemployed & their families. He denied the Federal stimulus package for the unemployed, believing it would increase business taxes. Thus, the state had to dig into its own budget to provide for the unemployed, which led to an increase in business taxes. “Irony”.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: Not high, he’s been hanging out at the bottom of the rankings and can’t seem to convince people that he knows what he’s doing with money. Or chicken.
DONALD TRUMP
Garnier.
Instagram Handle: @trumponit
Current Position: CEO of The Trump Organization
Favorite Movie: The Flinstones: Viva! Rock Vegas
Quotes: “The wall will go up and Mexico will start behaving.” – on his tap-dancing feud with Ricky Martins
“The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.” – on why he mistook Elijah Wood for his accountant
“He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.” – on why he made his XBox Live gamer tag ‘NOl0$erN00bz’
Bio: Nope I’m just so done.
Fiscal Policy: Seriously so done with this guy.
Chances of Being The Chosen One: He’s currently ranked #1. Me = Done.
There you have it. May the odds be ever in their favor.
[Note: The Instagram handles and movies were fabricated by me. The Quotes under the quote section were real quotes, but the reasons were comical. Most seemingly ridiculous quotes contained in the body paragraphs were me thinking I’m funny, with the exception being Ben Carson’s section, where comedy falls short of that guy’s actual stance on things.]
THE CONTRA POST 
Too great!!!! Can’t wait to see what else comes out of these candidates mouth for you to make it witty !!!
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